All the deaths in the Final Destination movies that would totally happen to me

Which ones would make my grieving loved ones says "Yeah, that tracks"?

The late Tony Todd, enjoying the inevitably embarrassing way I’ve died.

After 14 very long (and yet very short at the same time) years since the last one, it’s time for another Final Destination movie. This time, instead of Death working through a group of annoying teenagers, now it’s having its way with three generations of an entire family. The trailer promises all manner of “Rube Goldberg meets the Devil” nonsense involving ill-timed Jenga games and errant chunks of broken glass. Nobody dies quietly in their sleep in a Final Destination movie, they always end up falling into a woodchipper or getting their head smashed by an air conditioner.

Let’s face it, nobody watches these things for the plot. If you were to tell me that, without looking them up on Wikipedia, you can explain the differences between, say, Final Destination 2 and The Final Destination, or which one had the rollercoaster crash and which one had the suspension bridge collapse, I’d call you a liar. They’re interchangeable, gory death delivery devices, and they’re fine. Like The Monkey from earlier this year, they’re gleeful reminders that Death will come for all of us eventually, and it will probably be stupid and gross.

Especially for me. As I’ve mentioned several times at this point, I have a serious illness. I’m awaiting a kidney transplant. Thankfully my health is stable, and I feel pretty good most days, but it is serious, and without proper care, it could kill me. But I don’t think it will, mostly because I truly believe I am destined for a dumb, embarrassing death. The kind of death that will be an answer on a Reddit post asking EMTs about the craziest thing they’ve ever seen. Beyond the fact that I have now twice cheated Death (very rude, according to the Final Destination movies), I’m also very clumsy. Remember those Life Alert commercials? Yeah, they’re pretty funny until it’s you going ass over teakettle down a flight of stairs, landing at the bottom and feebly crying out “I’ve fawlin, and I CAN’T GET UP.”

I’ve also turned my ankle so many times it’s a wonder my foot doesn’t just loosely dangle off the end of my leg. I’ve nearly cut the tip of my finger off with a mandolin slicer. I’ve tripped over nothing. Because of ADHD, I have no spatial awareness, so I’m constantly bumping into tables and door knobs. Getting ready for a shower always involves a round of America’s favorite game show, “Where Did That Bruise Come From?”

Now, I realize that the point of the Final Destination movies is that, even though your death is predetermined, you likely won’t see it coming. It has nothing to do with clumsiness, or flirting with danger, or any other behavior that might seem to invite an early demise. And yet, whenever I watch a Final Destination movie (which I did for a season of Kill by Kill), I always nod sagely and think “Yep. That would happen to me.” It doesn’t even bring a sense of horror, just resignation. When I die, it’s going to be in a spectacularly silly manner that will make my friends and loved ones wipe a tear away, smile, and think “She died as she lived.”

Here now, a list of the Final Destination deaths that would most likely happen to me, in order of “generally” to “absolutely” plausible:

Falling Brick to the Head (Final Destination 2): Fans of the series seem to hate this one, because (a) it happens off-screen, and (b) it’s pretty boring compared to, say, getting a face full of nails. But honestly, it’s a wonder that I haven’t died this way yet.

Hit By Surprise Bus (several Final Destinations, most notably the first): Death by bus is an everyday risk when you live in a major city; on the other hand, they also move so slowly that it’d really end up more like a gentle rolling over by bus.

Subway Derailment (Final Destination 3): Again, living in the city, it’s a chance you take, and it’s humbling to know that I’ll probably be sitting next to someone watching TikTok videos without headphones when it happens.

Elevator Decapitation (Final Destination 2): I work in the Woolworth Building, once the tallest building in the world. It was built in 1912, and I’m not entirely sure the elevators have been updated at any point since then. They make ominous clanking and thunking sounds, shaking and laboriously moving between floors like the cables are being pulled by an exhausted man in the basement. Every time I get on one, I think “I’m probably going to die on one of these things¹.” Of course, in true Final Destination fashion, I’ll think that, and then when I get off the elevator I’ll immediately slip in a puddle and impale myself on a cleaning lady’s mop handle.

Hospital Explosion (Final Destination 2): Mostly for the irony of surviving major surgery, only to get blowed up real good afterward.

Eaten by Escalator (The Final Destination): I hope that if it happens, it’s extra dumb, like my dismembered hand is still clutching an Auntie Anne’s pretzel.

And finally, the most obvious one:

Fall Badly, End Up Folded in Half Backwards Like a Broken Suitcase (Final Destination 5): The thing is, I won’t be on a balance beam, I’ll just be walking, and suddenly forget how my legs work. The coroner will remark to my family that they’ve never seen someone with their spine entirely outside of their body before, and that my death is really one for the books. Only then will I achieve immortality.

Anyway, go see Final Destination: Bloodlines this weekend, I guess. I’ll probably wait for it to come to streaming.

1. I’m sort of joking, but also 22 people have died in accidents involving elevators in New York City since 2010. Could I be unlucky number 23???