I was diagnosed in very early 2020 (like before the pandemic shut downs started). I know you won’t believe me, but I will tell you anyway: your coping skills are phenomenal. You parented yourself and your kiddo, you make amazing art, and you fiercely maintain friendships. You do all of that while chronically ill and in a world not made for those of us who are wired differently.
And in the hellscape that is mental health support in the US, NYC is the worst I’ve experienced.
There are benefits to adhd, including hyper focus and the ability to make connections others can’t see, but the disability is also real.
I was diagnosed in the 80s', but it didn't change anything. I remember my young years kinda of like being on autopilot. Or, maybe like being a passenger just watching things happen. My doctor tried Ritalin which is what they had back then. It was awful. The side effects made me become introverted. It also made me extremely irritable. My father refers to it as the year you didn't smile. Needless to say they took me off of it. After that I didn't receive any help for the next 25 years or so. I was picked on in and out of school. I eventually developed severe social anxiety. I dropped out of high school in 10th grade. The next 10 years were spent going from job to job with large gaps in-between. Lots of drug use, as I discovered this was an in with certain people. Then I was arrested and spent 3 years in prison. Another 4 on probation. I ran through another 15 or so jobs until I got my second ADHD diagnosis. They tried this pill and that. Either no effect or unbearable side effects. I have file for disability 3 times now to no avail. Just because it's dibilitating doesn't mean it qualifies as a disability. I feel your pain. I have gone through the hobbies. I thought about writing but I hate writing. I agree this superpower crap is nonsense. 44 and basically waiting to die and not be bored in the meantime.
I can relate. I was diagnosed at 36. The year after I limped over the finish line of grad school and getting certified for my career.
I agree that whole ADHD is a "superpower" thing is nonsense in late stage capitalism where everything seems broken in all the right kinds of ways to make things especially hard for people who are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
And you're right about finding more grace and patience for myself and my family members. Looking at my own childhood makes so more sense and I am now doing everything I can to ease the path for my own kiddo with impulse control issues.
I am sorry finding therapy has been THE WORST. And I applaud you for doing your own work. My therapist is great (not a brag) and even on her best days, she just feels like an accountability buddy cheering me on, challenging me and making sure I follow through on the the things I want to follow through on. The whole "let's get to the root of this matter" that I hoped/feared therapy would be isn't really it. But I have been finding journaling a good way to process some of those thoughts and feelings.
That's all to say thank you for sharing. Thanks for being open and vulnerable. And thank you for all the joy your substack brings.
Global psychiatric services in Washington Heights was pretty fast in getting me seen. Relatively speaking. At least after covid. I needed a primary care physician referral. And they expected me to make the appointment myself which was kind of dumb of them consider adhd.
But atomoxetine is better than Ritalin and Adderall because it doesn't run out. No one sells it to their friends.
Same with late diagnosis. When you're well behaved the adhd diagnosis is not living up to your potential.
There are some advantages. It's amazing not to be expected to make eye contact. And find fellow neurodivergent folks who are just as creeped out by eye contact.
Good luck. And now you know why coffee makes you sleepy
"When you're well behaved the adhd diagnosis is not living up to your potential."
That should be on a t-shirt. I beat myself up more for the way I squandered my potential more than anything else and I have a lot to beat myself up for.
I actually got diagnosed because I thought I was depressed. Like some symptoms like being hyperfocused on one person who wants nothing to do with you kind of fit both. Five minutes into the screening the doctor goes "you're not depressed" and pulled out the adhd questions
I have ADHD, diagnosed at 32, and I feel all of this. And I'm sorry. Look, here I am, commenting five months later! Because I only read this now!
I've been fortunate in a couple sense, but one is that Adderall *XR* (important to specify the slow release type) works wonders on me, and my insurance covers the generic type. If by some miracle you can get a prescription and afford it, it's worth trying (this assumes you haven't yet tried it, but the essay didn't mention it, so I am jumping to a conclusion, Phantom-Tollbooth-style.)
I used to think for sure everyone had some manual for living that was never passed along to me and then I would think, "even if I had it, I'd never be able to apply it to my life". I haven't even been diagnosed because I can't figure out how to get tested with my abysmal insurance and so what if I am because after that there's nothing that's really going to change for me. As I'm too old to start again, the shiny kumbaya attitude of those in their 20's who are celebrating their neurodivergency isn't going to include me so what would I achieve here? I got robbed of a life and with the world as it is today, that seems such a small thing to mourn.
I'm older than my 20s and I love being all kumbaya with my neurodivergent ways. Like haha I don't have to make eye contact. And I converted to Judaism because the rabbis in the Talmud are totally adhd.
I'm just about to turn 49, I think I got my diagnosis when I was 45. It has definitely been a roller coaster. About a year or so after I was diagnosed, I developed a depression I am still learning how to
Live with.
One of the important things I've learned is just about the Lasting effects of not being able to embrace and understand what was going on with me when I was young and throughout my life.
I have definitely developed a number of personal structures that help me by staying curious, and being kind to myself.
My partner and I, in being able to name it, have been able to read books together and understand and have conversations around it.
On a practical note I did enjoy the book "Fidget to focus"
I was diagnosed in very early 2020 (like before the pandemic shut downs started). I know you won’t believe me, but I will tell you anyway: your coping skills are phenomenal. You parented yourself and your kiddo, you make amazing art, and you fiercely maintain friendships. You do all of that while chronically ill and in a world not made for those of us who are wired differently.
And in the hellscape that is mental health support in the US, NYC is the worst I’ve experienced.
There are benefits to adhd, including hyper focus and the ability to make connections others can’t see, but the disability is also real.
If you ever wanna talk about it, let me know. 💕
I was diagnosed in the 80s', but it didn't change anything. I remember my young years kinda of like being on autopilot. Or, maybe like being a passenger just watching things happen. My doctor tried Ritalin which is what they had back then. It was awful. The side effects made me become introverted. It also made me extremely irritable. My father refers to it as the year you didn't smile. Needless to say they took me off of it. After that I didn't receive any help for the next 25 years or so. I was picked on in and out of school. I eventually developed severe social anxiety. I dropped out of high school in 10th grade. The next 10 years were spent going from job to job with large gaps in-between. Lots of drug use, as I discovered this was an in with certain people. Then I was arrested and spent 3 years in prison. Another 4 on probation. I ran through another 15 or so jobs until I got my second ADHD diagnosis. They tried this pill and that. Either no effect or unbearable side effects. I have file for disability 3 times now to no avail. Just because it's dibilitating doesn't mean it qualifies as a disability. I feel your pain. I have gone through the hobbies. I thought about writing but I hate writing. I agree this superpower crap is nonsense. 44 and basically waiting to die and not be bored in the meantime.
Maybe you should think about it as a superpower. Would certainly be less depressing than your current attitude.
Also pcp laced pot was great for adhd. Gave myself permission to be totally random.
I can relate. I was diagnosed at 36. The year after I limped over the finish line of grad school and getting certified for my career.
I agree that whole ADHD is a "superpower" thing is nonsense in late stage capitalism where everything seems broken in all the right kinds of ways to make things especially hard for people who are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
And you're right about finding more grace and patience for myself and my family members. Looking at my own childhood makes so more sense and I am now doing everything I can to ease the path for my own kiddo with impulse control issues.
I am sorry finding therapy has been THE WORST. And I applaud you for doing your own work. My therapist is great (not a brag) and even on her best days, she just feels like an accountability buddy cheering me on, challenging me and making sure I follow through on the the things I want to follow through on. The whole "let's get to the root of this matter" that I hoped/feared therapy would be isn't really it. But I have been finding journaling a good way to process some of those thoughts and feelings.
That's all to say thank you for sharing. Thanks for being open and vulnerable. And thank you for all the joy your substack brings.
Fun fact. The term late stage capitalism was coined in the 1910s. Since then Communism rose, shit the bed and fell into hyper capitalism.
The fun things one ends up researching when one has adhd.
Global psychiatric services in Washington Heights was pretty fast in getting me seen. Relatively speaking. At least after covid. I needed a primary care physician referral. And they expected me to make the appointment myself which was kind of dumb of them consider adhd.
But atomoxetine is better than Ritalin and Adderall because it doesn't run out. No one sells it to their friends.
Same with late diagnosis. When you're well behaved the adhd diagnosis is not living up to your potential.
There are some advantages. It's amazing not to be expected to make eye contact. And find fellow neurodivergent folks who are just as creeped out by eye contact.
Good luck. And now you know why coffee makes you sleepy
"When you're well behaved the adhd diagnosis is not living up to your potential."
That should be on a t-shirt. I beat myself up more for the way I squandered my potential more than anything else and I have a lot to beat myself up for.
I actually got diagnosed because I thought I was depressed. Like some symptoms like being hyperfocused on one person who wants nothing to do with you kind of fit both. Five minutes into the screening the doctor goes "you're not depressed" and pulled out the adhd questions
Perfect score.
Too bad my a1c was too high to test those meds.
I have ADHD, diagnosed at 32, and I feel all of this. And I'm sorry. Look, here I am, commenting five months later! Because I only read this now!
I've been fortunate in a couple sense, but one is that Adderall *XR* (important to specify the slow release type) works wonders on me, and my insurance covers the generic type. If by some miracle you can get a prescription and afford it, it's worth trying (this assumes you haven't yet tried it, but the essay didn't mention it, so I am jumping to a conclusion, Phantom-Tollbooth-style.)
I used to think for sure everyone had some manual for living that was never passed along to me and then I would think, "even if I had it, I'd never be able to apply it to my life". I haven't even been diagnosed because I can't figure out how to get tested with my abysmal insurance and so what if I am because after that there's nothing that's really going to change for me. As I'm too old to start again, the shiny kumbaya attitude of those in their 20's who are celebrating their neurodivergency isn't going to include me so what would I achieve here? I got robbed of a life and with the world as it is today, that seems such a small thing to mourn.
I'm older than my 20s and I love being all kumbaya with my neurodivergent ways. Like haha I don't have to make eye contact. And I converted to Judaism because the rabbis in the Talmud are totally adhd.
I'm just about to turn 49, I think I got my diagnosis when I was 45. It has definitely been a roller coaster. About a year or so after I was diagnosed, I developed a depression I am still learning how to
Live with.
One of the important things I've learned is just about the Lasting effects of not being able to embrace and understand what was going on with me when I was young and throughout my life.
I have definitely developed a number of personal structures that help me by staying curious, and being kind to myself.
My partner and I, in being able to name it, have been able to read books together and understand and have conversations around it.
On a practical note I did enjoy the book "Fidget to focus"
Thanks for writing this.