Rejected reasons for going into a Jigsaw contraption
Jigsaw's motivations for punishing people may be elliptical and random, but he's not an unreasonable guy.
Saw X (yes, that’s X as in ten, and not one in which Saw becomes a civil rights advocate) comes out at the end of this week. Before you waste precious breath to say “Christ, another one?” if you’ve seen more than two of these things you know that the franchise lore is so convoluted and reliant upon flashbacks and dual timelines that they could conceivably just keep making them forever, long after star Tobin Bell has ascended to the big horror convention in the sky.
If you’ve seen none of these things, you’ll still know that the only reason anyone watches them is for the elaborate “Rube Goldberg but he’s the Devil” traps John Kramer, a/k/a Jigsaw, sets up for his victims, which are both miracles of engineering and look like they were built in a factory that only manufactures tetanus. If the victims can’t escape them in time, they risk having their faces ripped off or a mechanical doll disemboweling them and playing “Lady of Spain” on their intestines.
What you might not know is that Johnny Saw constructs these traps both to punish people, and to teach them a lesson about appreciating life. Setting up a device that launches two thick metal spikes directly into someone’s eyeballs might seem like an odd way to get them to cherish the gift of life, but Jigjohn has been doing this for over a decade now, so clearly it works. Look for his book Better Living Through Being Split From Armpits to Asshole With a Rusty Pole at a self-help section near you soon.
While Sawman’s reasons for punishing people are occasionally clear and understandable (one’s a pedophile, another denies insurance claims for sick people), others seem vague and random, like how in Saw 3D he punishes a woman for “letting” her boyfriend abuse her, or in Saw 4 a man gets shot in the chest and is forced to watch his friend horrifically killed for the sin of being a workaholic. Some days Saw Q. Public is just a grumpy gus, maybe he had a crick in his neck when he woke up and a Dunkin Donuts cashier finds himself stuffed in an iron maiden after they ran out of bear claws.
Through my contacts at Paramount1, I now present a list of rejected reasons for going into a Saw contraption. If you’ve ever done the following, be grateful that you’ve never found yourself hanging from a chain over a tank full of starving piranhas…yet.
—Answering the phone with “Yello?”
—Taking a penny, but not leaving a penny2
—Describing one’s self as being “fluent in sarcasm”
—Ever giving out raisins, pennies, or coupons to trick-or-treaters
—Being over 30 and comparing your romantic relationship to Harley and Joker
—Saying “Guess it’s free” to a cashier when your item doesn’t ring up
—Owning a pair of truck nuts
—Buying or making an infant garment with references to how the infant was conceived on it
—Describing one’s self as a “sapiosexual”
—Requesting the “skinny version” of a recipe on a cooking blog
—Using the phrase “I’m looking for a partner in crime” in a dating ad
—Ever telling a humorous story about how you asked for a plain black coffee at Starbucks and the barista had no idea what you were talking about3
—Insisting that the above story actually happened to you
—Earnestly posting an “our childhoods were better because we used to drink from the garden hose” meme4
—Being a white American with strong opinions on ethnic cuisine
—Taking the concepts of pineapple on pizza, deep dish vs. New York style, and which way the toilet paper should go very personally
—Directing a grim, humorless remake of The Wicker Man that completely misses the point of the original5
—Ever claiming to prefer friendships with men “because there’s less drama6”
—Having a very strong opinion on whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie
—Basing masculinity according to how much meat one eats7
—Ever using the phrase “rise and grind8”
—Asking “Am I the only one who” about anything9
—Describing one’s self in 2023 as “politically homeless”
—Lecturing adults who have elected to eat fast food that it’s not “real” food10
—#Using #toomany #hashtags11
—Writing pithy lists about things that annoy you12
—No headphones on public transportation13
—Any and all uses of the word “hubby,” no exceptions
Please note that this list is constantly growing and is subject to change without notice. Just because a reason has been rejected so far does not mean it will not be used in a future Saw film. John Jiggerton Sawsworth III is always watching. None of us is safe, good luck out there.
Or whoever puts out the Saw movies, I’m not actually sure.
Don’t get too confident, though, because right now either Jigsaw or one of his many acolytes are coming up with a trap that will drop a two-ton bag of pennies on your head if you don’t maintain the exact balance of pennies on a scale.
This contraption will obviously boil you alive in a vat full of the cheapest, shittiest gas station coffee imaginable.
Punishment: hose shoved down throat and filled with water until you explode.
NOTE: applies only to Neil LaBute. NOTE TO NOTE: still hoping that Neil LaBute will appear in a Saw contraption one of these days.
This horrifying invention would involve being locked in a room with six men debating over how Kathleen Kennedy ruined Star Wars and the only way it will stop is if you cut your own head off.
The Saw contraption for this can and should involve lowering someone feet first into a giant industrial meat grinder, like the students in Pink Floyd’s The Wall.
The only exception to this is when it’s used ironically, such as along with a screenshot of the scene where E.T. is dying in a stream.
This contraption should probably involve a hall of mirrors-type deal where when time’s up they all fold in on each other, leaving the victim a red smear.
What’s that pink sludge? Oh wait, it’s you.
#whoops #uhoh #dead #lol
Even if you yourself are guilty of answering the phone with “yello?”
If Jiggy doesn’t get around to this one I’m going to build a contraption myself.