Just two weeks ago I said I’d stop using Twitter if and when Elon Musk finally bought it, and what do you know, he went and done did it.
I have to admit, the weaselly motherfucker got me. I didn’t expect him to go through with it. I don’t know that anyone did, because why would you? Musk says a lot of dumb shit. He’s a child’s idea of a billionaire, the kind who says stuff like “I’m going to build a rocket car, and then a robot maid, and then I’m gonna fill a swimming pool full of Kool-Aid and have a pizza party, and everybody will have to come because I’m rich.” Despite his wealth (much of it inherited, although his fans really hate it when you point that out), he’s a deeply unserious person, a 51 year-old shitposter who loves nothing more than triggering the libs.
When he abruptly announced earlier this year that he was planning to buy Twitter, some users reacted with panic and an early departure, but the predominant response was “Whatever you say, man, and next you’re going to buy all the ponies in the world and your very own amusement park.” What in the world would this brilliant titan of industry1 want with an app devoted mostly to celebrity gossip, unfortunate nudes, and misinformation? It would be like investing money in a toilet factory, except a toilet factory has a better chance of turning a profit.
Though a sales contract was apparently signed, Musk backed off, claiming that Twitter’s current management team was unable to provide him information regarding how much of Twitter’s traffic is driven by bots. Then, just in time for spooky season, it was announced that the sale was back on (or, more likely, Musk had no legal options to cancel it), illustrated by a picture of Musk walking into Twitter HQ carrying a sink, with the caption “Let that sink in.” If that wasn’t bleak enough, Musk’s smug tweets seemed to suggest that his takeover meant not only a return to “free speech,” meaning that hate speech, harassment and misinformation would go even more unchecked that it already had been, but the reinstatement of some of its worst offenders, including comedy writer turned professional transphobe Graham Linehan, Satanically possessed canned ham Alex Jones and former President Donald Trump.
However, it’s been a week since Musk’s purchase went through, and it’s clear that he hadn’t done so much as a shred of due diligence in how Twitter operates, or how to run an internet-based business before becoming its new CEO. It’s actually been kind of fun to watch him flailing in real time, as it becomes clear that he has no idea what to do with his brand new role as “Chief Twit,” and won’t be able to get out of it without losing a lot of money. Though he initially promised that his new and improved version of Twitter would be free of censorship (meaning you can spread all the racist, sexist, antisemitic, transphobic filth you want without reproval), it was quickly realized that mainstream advertisers wouldn’t want to peddle their wares on a social media site that caters in rape jokes and Holocaust denial. This is why the alt-right alternative Parler folded almost immediately2, and why TruthSocial, its only draw being that Donald Trump posts there sometimes dozens of times a day, is hanging on by a thread. When the only ad space you can sell is for MyPillow and tactical cargo shorts, you’re barely making enough money to pay someone to update the antivirus program on the single computer running the whole thing.
So Musk then quickly backtracked, acknowledging that Twitter could not, in fact, be a “free for all” where people could post whatever 8chan-esque nonsense they wanted. It’s still already losing advertisers anyway, so now his big brain idea for Twitter to earn revenue is to start charging people to verify their accounts. Where currently a verified account is reserved to those Twitter deems to be “notable” (though the standards for that are vague and inconsistent), under Musk’s plan anyone can get verified, whether you have 70,000 followers or 7, as long as you’re willing to pony up the cash for it. The benefits of this are purported to be half as many ads on one’s timeline (not zero, just half), priority in posting and replying (whatever that means), and a reduction (not elimination, mind you) in bots and trolls. Musk’s suggested price for this service was a ludicrous $20 per month (currently the new price for the top tier of Netflix), but when no less than Stephen King3 balked, Musk, as if making a huge concession for the user base, brought it down to $8.
Virtually no one, save for Musk’s most ardent fans (most of whom take a bizarre “I’d let him fuck my wife” approach to their admiration), has responded to this with anything other than peals of laughter, with Musk whining that the site can’t rely solely on advertising to cover costs (though it mysteriously seems to have up to this point). As of this writing, it remains to be seen whether or not he’s actually going to go through with it. The idea is, presumably, that a free account will eventually be so overwhelmed by bots, trolls, and advertising that it will become unusable, forcing users to pay for verification. Musk seems to be banking (literally) on people needing Twitter more than Twitter needs them to meet his long-term financial goals, while at the same time laying off much of Twitter’s workforce, and ordering those who survived the cut to reduce the amount of servers needed to keep the app operational.
So yeah, the most brilliant mind of our time is very publicly fumbling the ball here, and, as the kids say, you love to see it.
Admittedly, I was one of those people who, when Musk first announced that he was thinking about buying Twitter, was all set to leave and never return4. I've had an account since 2007, but I had no interest in being part of Musk's "marketplace of ideas," which would mostly consist of endless variations of "triggered snowflake" jokes, frog cartoons, hardcore pornography, and conspiracy theories about how Torahs are written on the skins of Christian babies. It's unfortunate that opportunities to promote one's creative work have become intrinsically tied to maintaining a robust social media presence, but if that meant having to partake in Elon Musk's vision for Twitter (again, one more suited to a bored teenager than a middle-aged man), then call me Thomas Pynchon.
But this? I’m kind of enjoying this. I like seeing him realize that the average Twitter user doesn’t actually want to spend their days harassing strangers, or to “just ask questions” about whether or not Hillary Clinton did 9/11. I like seeing him perplexed over the fact that Twitter users also don’t want to pay for the “privilege” of not being threatened with rape or murder. If Musk’s “pay to play” plan goes through (and it probably will, because he’s a fucking moron who’s greatest trick is convincing people that he’s smart), I’m sure some self-important twits will cough up the dough (and deserve every bit of the mocking they get for it), as will some people who will undoubtedly use that “posting priority” to post only the freshest racist caricatures. This is Musk’s idea of an “even playing field,” trolls getting to rub elbows with people who take themselves too seriously.
At any rate, it won’t be enough to keep the site operational for very long, so Musk will either have to bring back big advertisers (which means at least purporting to monitor and restrict hate speech), raise the price for verification, let Twitter die, or sell it off at a fraction of the cost. Whatever happens, he comes off looking like a giant asshole, ideally a giant asshole with less money by the end of it. Waving my cowboy hat around like Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove, I’ll stick around for a little while to see what happens. If the site does become unusable, as “punishment” for users who have the audacity to expect a service that has remained free for 15 years to continue being free, then I’ll go. But I want to see him fumble a little longer. I want to see the flopsweat from his fans as they insist that this is all a long game of 12D chess he’s playing, and somehow he’ll still come out on top at the end5.
It’d probably be good for my and a lot of other people’s peace of mind for Twitter to be shot dead like a lame horse anyway. Regardless, however long the Boy Genius is in charge, it’s going to be a wild ride, a real-time opportunity to watch someone in over their head from the beginning slowly drown.
This went long, so I’ll skip links this week and try to rein it in a bit next week.
Source: Dude, trust me.
It remains to be seen whether or not Kanye West, someone else who seems to be existing on another plane of existence, will “save” Parler by buying it, but my guess is that that’s a big fat no.
As a matter of principle, not price. I’m pretty sure Stephen King can afford $20 a month.
But not delete my account. Are you kidding, there’s way too much comedy gold there to just disappear it all into the ether.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, there’s a not insignificant overlap between people who say stuff like that, and people who have spent the past two years believing that every time Joe Biden appears in public, Donald Trump will show up to place him under arrest and reclaim his rightful place as President for Life.