An incomplete list of other things you can try in a small town
Why attend a lynching when you can go to a nice pancake breakfast instead?
Hello!
I’ve reserved this space at the community center between the 5:00 Girl Scouts meeting and the 7:00 Overeaters Anonymous meeting, so let’s get to it.
If you’ve been paying attention to entertainment news lately (and I highly recommend you don’t, unless it has something to do with strikes, Barbie, or Oppenheimer), you might have heard about a brouhaha developing around country singer Jason Aldean. Aldean has for over a decade been one of the leading voices in bro-country, the genially shitheaded musical sub-genre that focuses almost entirely on drinkin’, drivin’ big gas-guzzlin’ trucks, and chasin’ girls in tight blue jeans, usually set to a vague hip hop beat1.
Obnoxious but mostly harmless2, Aldean seemed to show little interest in flexing his creative muscles, even if he’s on the wrong side of 40 and still singing about being a country boy scraping together his last few pennies for a shot of tequila. That is, until the release of his newest single “Try That in a Small Town,” an ugly little bit of right-wing dick-waving that threatens violence on anyone who doesn’t properly salute the flag and treat all cops with unwavering respect. The song is pretty awful on its own, but what truly pushes it over the top is the video, which features a scowling Aldean and his equally scowling band members intercut with shots of Black Lives Matter protestors and grainy security camera footage. Aldean is filmed outside of Maury County Courthouse in Columbia, Tennessee, where in 1927 a Black man was lynched out of the second-story window.
Now, I’m going to take a wild guess that Aldean is not well-versed in the history of racial injustice, and had no direct input in choosing the filming location. However, it seems highly unlikely that it was only coincidentally chosen for a song that suggests that vigilantism and violence are not symptoms of a society in crisis, but rather a cherished value that we must return to if we hope to save America. Small towns aren’t just great because the schools aren’t overcrowded and Grandma can still leave an apple pie to cool on the windowsill, but also because, supposedly, people won’t hesitate to run you out of town if they don’t like the looks of you3.
I do not doubt that Aldean, like a lot of Conservative blowhards, would fold like a beach chair in the face of actual physical conflict with someone. Nevertheless, “Try That in a Small Town” plays right into the insidious thread that runs through the modern Republican Party ever since the election of Donald Trump4, which blatantly encourages hatred5 against anyone who doesn’t look or act like a very specific version of “American,” and heavily implies that loving your country means being ready, willing and psychotically eager to kill anyone you perceive as a threat to it.
The funny thing is that, just like Kid Rock6, whose father owned multiple car dealerships, play-acted being poor white trash who’s allowed to use the n-word because he too understands the struggle, Aldean is pretending to be the spokesperson for real American small-town values, even though he grew up in Macon, Georgia, population 157,000. It is safe to say that Jason Aldean doesn’t know jack shit about what life in a small town is like. He’s merely trying to appeal to the same fans who thought “Let’s Go Brandon” was a wildly clever code phrase that frustrated and triggered liberals7.
But you know what? I do. While I currently live in New York City, the godless liberal groomer capital of the world8, I grew up in some small towns in southern New Jersey. I graduated from high school in a town of just 2,100 people, less than a third of the population of Wasilla, Alaska, home of Sarah Palin, who, really, spearheaded the sinister “us vs. them” campaign that powers the Republican Party today.
So it’s with some authority that I suggest some alternative things you could try in a small town9, if you just don’t have a taste for rolling coal and committing a hate crime. Won’t you consider:
Placing and/or answering an ad in a Penny Saver
Eating at a dog-themed restaurant where the surprisingly good chips and salsa are served out of dog food bowls
Going to Storybook Land, a poignantly decaying fairytale-themed amusement park on the side of a highway
Attending a penny auction and finding yourself inadvertently competing against (and losing to) an old high school classmate for an air fryer10
Participating in a “trunk or treat” event in a church parking lot
Finding a copy of Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus at a library book sale11
Ordering a turkey and cheddar classic-sized hoagie at Wawa
Watching a bass fishing tournament unfortunately called the “Jizzmasters12”
Choosing sides over the eternal Dairy Queen/Dairy Hut/Custard Hut debate
Going to a Chinese buffet, eating one’s weight in crab Rangoon
Sneaking into the “adult” section of the local video store, making fun of the titles
Attending a Kiwanis pancake breakfast, never being entirely sure what “Kiwanis” is
Attending a volunteer fire department pancake breakfast
Attending St. Vincent’s pancake breakfast
Attending First Presbyterian’s pancake breakfast
Going to a pep rally even though you are 100% indifferent to sports
Buying a mediocre baked good in support of the local JV cheerleading squad
Avoiding the local JV cheerleading squad if you don’t have cash on you
Going swimming in questionably colored lake water
Buying baby clothes, craft glue, vape juice and creamed corn all within the same several hundred-yard radius
Going to a “Greek Festival” in which the only thing that makes it Greek is a single stand that sells spanakopita (misspelled on the sign)
Participating in a singalong to Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” headed by a guy who just started learning the guitar yesterday
Ordering pizza from a restaurant called Enzo’s, which is not run by anyone named Enzo, and has never been run by anyone named Enzo, but has always been called Enzo’s. Every single person in town has their own theory as to what or who Enzo was.
Steve Earle once famously described bro-country as “hip hop for people who are afraid of Black people.”
His music, at least, though Aldean himself has taken a page from his good buddy Travis Tritt and spoken out against masks, the COVID-19 vaccine, and transgender people.
For more information, please see “sundown town” on Wikipedia.org.
Who, of course, praised Aldean, as if he had any idea who the fuck he was before last week.
Preferably with guns, so you don’t have to get too close.
I don’t know that there’s been a funnier career arc than Kid Rock going from a “fuck authority” asshole to a flag-waving Uncle Sam asshole, so hard in the Conservative paint that Donald Trump personally selected him to look at one of the classified documents taken from the White House like a Chinese takeout menu.
Unfortunately, a quick search of the phrase “try that in a small town” on Etsy suggests that this was a smart plan.
Completely burned to the ground during the BLM protests of 2020, if you ask anyone who listens exclusively to the music of Jason Aldean.
All real things I’ve either done myself, or heard about from other people.
Admittedly this is very specific to me only.
Again, possibly specific only to me.
“Jizzmasters” was supposedly named for the sound a fishing reel makes when a line is cast, but I wouldn’t doubt that circle jerking was occasionally involved, which I’m sure Jason Aldean can appreciate.