10 absolutely true facts about JD Vance
Legal counsel has advised me to clarify that these are not, in fact, absolutely true.
By now you’ve probably at least seen highlights of last week’s mortifying meeting between Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Voldymyr Zelenskyy, which seemed to confirm what’s been long suspected, that Trump is working as an unofficial agent on behalf of Vladimir Putin. It was an embarrassing spectacle as Trump tried to pull his usual mafioso “nice country you have there, it’d be a shame if something happened to it” bullshit, and then being visibly ruffled when Zelenskyy refused to budge an inch.
Tagging along for the meeting was Vice-President JD Vance, whose role in the current administration is a little unclear right now, given that Elon Musk steamrolled right over him to be Trump’s second-in-command (if not less-than-secretly pulling the strings on everything). Vance doesn’t seem to have much to do, other than give speeches about what he thinks the “essence of masculinity” is1. He had no real role in the meeting with Zelenskyy either, other than to dress almost exactly like Trump, make the same gestures as Trump, and essentially come off like his Mini-Me, while whining that Zelenskyy hadn’t properly expressed gratitude for the U.S.’s assistance in providing money and weapons to Ukraine in its ongoing defense against Russia (in fact, Zelenskyy has, many times).
Even before he was selected as Trump’s running mate, I’ve had a special dislike for JD Vance. The current Republican party is rife with jokers, jag-offs, creeps, and weirdos, so it takes someone really unique to stand out. I’m not sure how you make your name on writing a book about how your family faced systemic poverty for generations, and then run for public office representing a party that has a vested interest in keeping systemic poverty in place, but that’s our JD. I don’t know how you marry and have children with a non-white woman when many of your constituents have very strong opinions about mixed race marriages and how white people are being squeezed out of existence by the Black and brown menace, but by god, he’s able to do it. It’s hard to understand how someone can stand by a man he compared to Hitler less than a decade ago, but JD is a true man of conviction, and that conviction is to have no convictions at all.
When JD’s ode to bootstrapping was made into a Netflix movie nobody saw and has been long forgotten, I gave it a negative review. Allegedly, the poor reception to the film adaptation of Hillbilly Elegy radicalized JD and pushed him towards embracing Trumpism. If true, this embarrassing, thin-skinned “I’ll show you snobs and phonies!” heel turn was similar to Trump only taking the idea of running for President seriously after Barack Obama mildly poked fun at him at a White House Press Corps dinner. For a bunch of people who love pointing out how easily triggered and soft the left are, they have wet paper bags for egos, giving credence to the theory that whoever in the DNC told the Harris-Walz campaign to rein in the “they’re weird” thing may have played a large role in their losing the election (along with the New York Times and outside interference from, well, what do you know, Elon Musk, of course).
Because that’s what JD is, he’s weird. Not quite Edgar from Men in Black weird, like Ron DeSantis, but pretty close. You ever hear this guy try to tell a joke? It’s like someone is pointing a gun at him just off-stage. He’s tried and failed numerous times to make his alleged love of Diet Mountain Dew into something controversial2. He looks like his beard is painted on. I won’t say anything about the rumors that he wears eyeliner, because that’s fine, except that he’s actively working against LGBTQ+ rights, which is only slightly less odd than Caitlyn Jenner speaking out against trans women being able to participate in women’s sports.
I posted on social media last week that shaking hands with JD must be like shaking hands with a Babybel cheese. I do not mean to denigrate the humble Babybel cheese. It’s a fine snack, and even comes with a free fidget toy, once you remove its signature wax coating. But consider its texture: cool, slightly moist, not squishy but rubbery. Now picture an entire hand made out of Babybel cheese, that’s JD Vance. You shake hands with him, and you wonder if there’s bones in there. He probably doesn’t have fingerprints.
JD Vance is the reason Chinese buffets make sure to include chicken nuggets and French fries. He cheats at Monopoly. In high school he once farted during English class and blamed it on the kid sitting next to him.
JD broke up with a girlfriend when he discovered that she owned a vibrator. He’s never put a shopping cart back in his entire life. He once called the cops on a lemonade stand. He hates cats.
JD’s favorite song is “Hey Soul Sister.” He regularly stands in front of shorter people at concerts, despite being 6’2”. Guy’s a schmuck, I don’t know how clearer I can make it, and the fact that he’s a rage stroke away from the Presidency is sobering, to say the least.
(once again, for legal purposes I reiterate that I have no proof of any of the claims in the last four paragraphs of this newsletter [except for the hating cats thing], but I’m pretty sure his hands really do feel like soft cheese)
Something to do with telling jokes, presumably out of old copies of The Truly Tasteless Joke Book.
As with Trump repeatedly mentioning Hannibal Lecter when talking about the supposed migrant crisis, no one was quite sure where JD was going with this, other than trying to pass himself off as a regular workin’ class American fella who likes to kick back with an ice cold Diet Mountain D, and liberals hate that kind of thing (“that kind of thing” either being the working class, kicking back, or diet soda).
this is true