I'm a comedian who peaked 25 years ago & let tell you about the problem with comedy these days
Don't cancel me, bro!
I tell ya folks, it ain’t easy these days. The captain is out to lunch and the they/thems have taken over the ship, you know what I’m saying?
When I was on Fallon a couple months ago, I tried to bring up that cute little babe from that Stranger Things show, and how she’s old enough to vote now if you know what I’m saying, and Jimmy, he gets this deer-caught-in-headlights expression on his face, like I just farted in front of the Queen Mother! He changed the subject and when I asked him what gives during commercial, he just muttered something like “Uh, well, standards and practices doesn’t like jailbait jokes.” Come on now, seriously? Bob Hope spent ten goddamn years hitting on Brooke Shields on national television, and no one cared! We loved it! Now you can’t even joke about it anymore? What a world.
I got asked to do a residency at the Ha Ha Haus in Reno, and I thought it’d be great to revive my old bit about how my wife (who is Black, just so you jackasses don’t start calling me a racist or whatever) is so dumb she thinks Grape Nuts is a sexually transmitted disease. But I had to cut it, because they told me that it was “sexist,” and “not funny,” and also we’re not allowed to call it a “sexually transmitted disease” anymore. Are you kidding me? Do we also call the clap “gentle applause” now? Get outta here with that nonsense.
Let me tell you something, back when Lenny Bruce and George Carlin were around, no one would have stood for this namby-pamby crap. Now everything has to be approved by a committee, and we have to make sure it’s “sensitive,” and “we’re sorry, but we don’t know if the audience is there for a sketch where Hitler goes to a gay pride parade.” Whaddaya mean? That’s gold! Used to be a time where all you had to say was “Hitler,” and the audience would be rolling in the aisles. If you look up my channel on whatever you call it, the YouTube, you can see I once did an entire half-hour of Hitler jokes, and they killed. What, now all the sudden we’re taking Hitler seriously? Ring ring, P.C. police calling!
Seinfeld had me on that show he does, the comedy, cars and coffee thing, and we spent most of it talking about the good ol’ days, when you could use the word midget and not have to worry about the Midget Brigade coming after you. Those fellas have short tempers, you know what I’m saying? Uh oh, don’t turn me in! Anyway, I don’t know what they call themselves now, so there’s another joke down the terlet.
I’m gonna run out of jokes at this point! I’m on trial in the leftists’ court, and they’re sentencing me to cancellation! Just this last week I was going over my set at the New York Comedy Festival, and they rejected my gag about how I once dated an epileptic broad and all I had to do was lay there and let her do all the work during sex. They told me “oh, well, what if there’s someone with epilepsy in the audience?” What, do I gotta think of everyone? Do I gotta change my “I identify as a meatball sandwich” joke because there might be people who think they’re a meatball sandwich in the audience? What about the one about the Chinese hooker and the Shetland pony? What are the chances that there’s going to be a Chinese hooker in the audience, let alone a Shetland pony? When will the madness end??
It’s getting to be so you can’t even joke about making the entire plane out of the black box, because we’re not allowed to say “black” anymore. Even my wife (who is Black) thinks that one’s crazy. My career is on life support over here, man! Code blue! Jimmy Kimmell had me on his show for a whole week last year, and let me tell you, I was sweating. The last time I had to write a new joke Slick Willy was boning that fat chick, Monique whatever. That’s when comedy was comedy. The jokes practically wrote themselves back then, it was beautiful.
Anyway, watch my new stand-up special Comedy is Dead on Netflix coming this June.